My manbatical ( a sabbatical from relationships ) is turning out to be too much of a good thing because even though I have been enjoying this time to myself, I hope I am staying away from relationships for the right reasons…not fear.
This sabbatical isn’t supposed to be simply an unplugging from the world of romantic relationships, it is supposed to be a time to heighten self-awareness and actively examine my attitudes and presumptions about my role in them…except so far, it has just been a lazy excuse I give to dissuade guys from getting too close:
“Yo, can I get your number?”
The Ex pulled out of the Navy, came back around and wanted to give “us” another chance… I agreed.
But about 48 hours later realized I was terrified and called it all off. I realized it isn’t just being with him that was terrifying… but its the whole concept of a relationship that freaks me out. (The only exception would be my secret crush who doesn’t return the adoration… of course)
This is interesting because in the past I have been lucky enough to date great people– for the most part- who were respectful, interesting, and overall good partners…
Clearly, my outlook on relationships has to evolve before I think seriously about getting into anything new…I have always held the belief that what happens in a relationship is a slow but steady molding into someone’s life… like the kneading of two balls of play dough.
Say you are combining yellow and blue play dough, it is rare that you will always get a perfectly balanced green. Depending on the couple, or even just the time in their lives, that play dough will either have more yellow or more blue…with this comes the realization that in just about every serious relationship I had, my ball of dough was the one that gets swallowed up. If I was yellow and my partner was blue, our relationship would be mostly blue.
The worse part about it was that I was doing it unconsciously…. just now as I was reading what I wrote I noticed a problem a paragraph above: “molding into someone’s life”… that’s not how I want it to be… it should read “molding two lives together” AArgh!
This is why I am terrified of being in a relationship and making the same mistakes. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all about making mistakes… just different ones for once would be refreshing.
I dont want my hard won freedom and sense of self to be compromised…I don’t want my yellow to get swallowed up by blue.
I recognize that in order for me to feel ready for a relationship, I need to drastically change what I expect out of myself and others- so that when I do meet that special someone, I will feel confident that the energy, heart, and spirit I am investing are gonna mold into an nice, evenly mixed Green… like the couple below 🙂